the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.