Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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