Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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