my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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