So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
