I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
