He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
