After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
