I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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