This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
