The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
