I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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