how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
