can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
