dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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