You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
