My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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