you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
40s are totally the cure
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
