Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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