i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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