I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
