I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
