I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
