Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
