The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
