I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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