I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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