I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
