You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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