he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
