I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
