i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize