I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
