just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
