It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
