I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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