We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
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your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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