I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
