Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
