my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
