I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
