Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The beer is more important than you right now.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
