I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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