i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
