I wish my penis had an off switch
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.