are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."