every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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