You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
