If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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