Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
