Little spoons don't ask big questions
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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