This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
