Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
