I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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