I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
