I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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